One thing I see in so many of my clients is an imprint* of not mattering.
An imprint that formed at a very young age.
An imprint that now asks the most earnest innocent question:
If I mattered, why would they have used me, abused me, ignored me, hurt me, contorted me, forced me, left me, shamed me?
*An imprint is a violation or difficulty that stays with you long after the fact–trauma, if you will. It lives alongside or in contrast to your Natural Blueprint of Health, which is your untouchable and unbreakable goodness–your original health and wellness.
And sometimes, these imprints of not mattering can sink so deeply into the very way we do… almost everything. Without us even realizing it.
I don’t matter so I’ll ignore the pain in my back until it’s so bad that I can’t move.
I don’t matter so I’ll force myself to stay in the job that sucks my soul.
I don’t matter so I won’t eat lunch and just work straight through, even though I know I’ll be cranky later for skipping a meal.
I don’t matter so I won’t prioritize spending time with friends or in nature.
I don’t matter so I’ll put other’s needs above my own.
I don’t matter so I’ll have no boundaries.
I don’t matter so I won’t receive help.
I mean, really, I could keep going for miles.
I don’t matter so I’ll have sex or relationships with people who don’t really turn me on or feed my heart.
I don’t matter so I’ll check my phone while driving.
I don’t matter so I’ll never get tested for STDs or insist on safe sex practices.
I don’t matter so I’ll settle.
I don’t matter so I’ll have no hope for my life or my future.
I don’t matter so I’ll hide from my music, my dance, my writing, my passion.
You see where this is going.
There’s a quiet subconscious whisper that can run our lives if we have developmental histories of not mattering where and when it mattered the most: Who cares that it hurts, that I’m suffering, that this isn’t good for me in the long run? I’m not what matters most.
Today, this Valentine’s Day, I’m not just gonna tell you that you matter. Because blah, blah, blah, spiritual-self-help talk… You know, intellectually, that you matter.
I know how deep this feeling of not mattering can run, and how invisibly it can control and direct your life.
I know how long it can take to transform the pattern.
And I know that the unreasonable difficulty of it can feel so shameful and embarrassing.
Why do I suck so hardcore at this?
I should really be further along.
I feel so stupid that I can’t do this easily.
So today, if in any way or for any reason, you’re feeling the sentiment of not-mattering… and feeling the blues about not being further along… perhaps, you’d be up for trying an exercise in self-love.
The I Matter The Most So… Manifesto Practice
In 3 simple steps:
Go ahead and write out all the things you do that are rooted in the belief that you don’t matter. Write it on one page.
This list should be easy to write, fly forth from your pen, obvious in that achey-yep-this-is-reality kinda way.
Feel free to reference the above list for some starting points.
New page. Now go ahead and write the opposite of each of the I don’t matter so’s, with this sentence starter: I MATTER THE MOST, SO…
This list may be a bit harder to write, wrapped in resistance, not as simple to see. But if you dig deep, your answers will flow.
I matter the most so I prioritize always feeling in a peak state of health, and getting speedy help when I’m faltering.
I matter the most so I eat yummy foods and drink lots of water on a consistent schedule that keeps me vibrant and happy.
I matter the most so I say No to relationships that drain my energy.
I matter the most so I always have safe sex talks with potential playmates, and get regularly tested for STDs.
I matter the most so I put my needs before others.
Tack both lists up to your wall, or frame ’em side-by-side.
Why? Why not just the I Matter the Most So list?
Because we wanna reinforce just how much choice is available to you. And seeing both options clear as day helps you remember… you got the power.
Bring it to the light and it’s less of a fight.
Here’s to the victory of seeing compassionately. And loving deeply. And choosing mattering. Because, love, you really do matter the most.
All my care,
PS:: Truthfully, this is a tender process… if you let it hit you deeply, the chronic patterns born of the belief that you don’t matter, it can bring up so many feels. So many. Know that you are always welcome to comment and let me know how you’re doing with this. Or forward to a friend and ask them to do it with you. Because together is better, for real. Love love. xo