I can’t tell you exactly how this happened (in hindsight everything just feels like magic to me–it’s a flaw of mine, for sure)–but some combination of reading the book Gene Keys, and meeting weekly with the Awake at Work crew, and Amy’s practical magic business circle, and voxing with Kate, and going to Burning Man, and dancing twice a week, and truth-talking with Foxy and Nona and Jen and Jodi and Karen and Damien… and being broke for so long, and my own damn incessant suffering, and NOT feeling that toes-to-the-tip-of-my-nose cellular joy that I KNOW is possible, and my ceaseless desire for pleasure, even still, has landed me in this spot:
I’m doing what I want.
I’m painting naked. I’m dying my hair pink. I’m eating cake for dinner when the spirit moves me. I’m saying no to care taking and co-dependency. I’m tossing my prices. I’m not letting the kids run my life. I’m going on long walks in the middle of the work day. I’m napping on Mondays at 2pm. I’m not abusing substances. I’m not having sex with people I don’t love. I’m going to Bikram on Friday nights and to bed before midnight. I’m burning myself at the altar of Artist. I’m calling it all God.
I’m crying about pollution in China. I’m admitting that I’m an anti-capitalist–and acting like one. I’m unwinding about things like being rich, being successful, being important or being approved of. I’m practicing with all my heart things like being honest, being forgiving, being brave, and doing it for love, for pleasure, for healing, for orgasms.
I’m reading by lamp light and charging my god damn phone in the bathroom. I’m listening to love songs like a prayer on repeat. Or movement songs like an impending destiny.
I’m sharing myself with you. Because even though it feels really vulnerable, I DON’T want to hide. I want to know what happens when my self-love and insistence that we all really can do what we want gets reflected in your eyes. I want to know what happens when, together, we feel the liberation of moving beyond wanting only for ourselves, and move into the magic of wanting to be of service to each other, and the world. I want to know what happens when our individuation and our inseparableness dance together the way lovers do.
It has not been a fast or simple event, getting here, to this place of letting myself want what I want. (And I’m sure I will fall off course. Of course). There have been excruciating heartbreaks and losses, and even worse, terribly paralyzing self-doubts. I have secretly worshiped at the altar of Victim so religiously that it was more like my unconscious culture than an indoctrination I could name.
And I’m pretty sure as I continue to expand, so will my shadows. So, you know, that’s life. Walking taller, casting longer shadows.
But at the end of the day, I still want to walk in the light. I still want to aim for JOY. I still want this experience here, in this body, in this time, to feel like what I wanted. Something purposeful that left the world in a better spot. Something magical that left my heart and soul and body turned-on. Something like love, that felt inexplicable and gorgeous.
So. For those of you who’ve been following along. Brave Thing #3: I want some part of my work to feel like ecstatic creativity meets soul-deep healing meets true blue witnessing meets sisterhood.
Which is why I’ve created this offering: Wanting What I Want: A Desire Embodiment Ritual
Because Danielle LaPorte’s Desire Map is so amazingly well-known and taking off right now, I’ll disclaimer that this is not a Desire Map workshop, and I’m not affiliated with her (though, I do appreciation and honor her work). This is an embodiment ritual. It’s more like expressive arts therapy meets sacred ritual meets coaching meets photoshoot. We’re going into the wisdom of your body as most trusted compass for accessing and enjoying What You Want.
I want to PLAY sensually, creatively, deeply, and magically with people who are ready to do the same–and be witnessed, gorgeously, for doing so.
That’s what I want. Because the world is really ready for your magic, lit up. (Because this is the magic that’ll light me up).
Let’s play if you’re feeling called.
Wild love & a devotional heart,