I was terrified of my 13-year old self.

It was the night before I left on my book tour when I made a very clear decision.

Over the next 40 days I will devote to my inner 13 year old girl. I will ask her questions and get to know her and completely cherish her and do my best to re-parent her exactly as she needs. 

This girl.

Beautiful and sensitive and feral with budding fragrant eroticism.
Defiant and determined and very hungry for boy love.
Knowing and not knowing.
Trusting and daring.
Deep and caring.
Wise and naive.
Trouble.
Earnest.
Good.
Bad?
Innocent.

This girl.

She terrifies me, I thought on that first night, body spread across the carpet, photographs in hand. How can I possibly take care of her? I mean, she’s completely impossible to control.

This girl.

Refusing bed times. Sneaking out back doors. Getting in cars with older guys. Lighting candles in dangerous places. Masturbating daily.

This girl.

Blue eye liner and white capris. Country music and Eminem. Nachos in the microwave. Poetry on paper plates. Singing loudly at the top of the staircase.

This girl.

Needing a present mother. Needing her brother to say anything at all. Needing cuddles and connection and check-ins instead of Entertainment Tonight, shouting and alcohol.

This girl.

Who thought her lovability depended on if he loved her. Who chased boys like fireflies. Who tried and tried and tried to get validation for her brilliance and her value. Whose wisdom was dismissed and unheeded.

This girl.

Who daydreamed and revelried and freed herself wildly in the dark.

How do I care for this girl?
How do I call her home, keep her safe, let her out, support her play?
How do I raise her up good?
How do I love her, when the truth is, I’m a liiiittle bit terrified of her?

Big questions. Big fear. So… I went back to my trusty motto:

When all else fails, curiosity is love.

Pen to paper, here were all my questions.What are all the things this girl needs?
What are all the things this girl loves?
What kind of adult does she need me to be?
What kind of 13-year old romance would be her most healthy?
What pep talks would buoy her spirit?
What dreams of hers need encouraging?
How can I best earn her trust?

I mapped out answers to all of those questions, brainstorm style with a sharpie marker. I circled the most resonant answers then made a list of the 5 biggest things my inner-girl wanted me to focus in on over the next 40 days.

HERE’S THE WILDEST THING I LEARNED FROM MY 40-DAY EXPERIMENT::

I thought that re-parenting my 13-year old girl was gonna mean keeping everything in my life suuuuper PG and extra SAFE and maybe even kinda boring (’cause the things she wanted most were the sweetest most innocent ones on the list), but the reality was more like…

By taking care of my 13-year old girl, I re-estabilished TRUST in my SYSTEM. And as a result, my ADULT felt a whole lot safer taking bold and playful risks.

As in, the things that woulda triggered me before? Way simpler.
The things I woulda veered away from out of fear? Was able to walk toward.

Moral of the story: take care of the inner-kid, and the adult gets to play full out. 

Wanna chance to re-parent your inner-kid and free your current self? Journal it all out. Circle the big stuff. Give it a go.

Or you can watch the video to go deeper::

Want support and sisterhood around this? Join me and a super potent group of women in the Grown Goddess Academy where we’ll unshame and reclaim our little ones together.

Here’s what Cindy from the last round of the Academy wrote about this particular process:

“Learning that my deepest needs are healthy has diffused so much guilt and shame I didn’t even realize I was holding. I’m able to look at myself with so much more innocence, gentleness and sweetness than ever before. I can acknowledge my core goodness, and offer myself love now where I used to only feel shame.”

The Academy starts August 1st. 10 LIVE Lessons, 10 Group Coaching Calls, and a 3-day In-Person Workshop! Click right here to apply.

Let’s practice the magic of holy wholeness together.

Applications close July 25th. 

Sending all your parts so much love.
xo,
Rachael

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