Projectile judgements of protection & the pathway to peace.

When we’re scared, we can use our power to do all kinds of things that aren’t true to our capacity for love.

When we’re scared, we can forget–utterly forget–that we have the power to invoke miracles, everywhere and everywhen. 

I went on a date recently that really helped me. It helped because one of the first things we did was share our deepest fears. (His idea!) 

Upon telling this guy my deepest fears, I realized how much of my life was a blatant reflection of those things…

My most continuous complaints, challenges, agonies and heartbreaks.

My obvious childhood/adolescent wounds.

My Story about Who I Am and Who Others Are. 

I recently re-picked up Marianne Williamson’s A Return To Love…

“Our barriers to love are rarely consciously chosen. They are our efforts to protect the places where the heart is bruised. Somewhere, sometime, we felt as though an open heart caused us pain or humiliation. We loved with the openness of a child, and someone didn’t care, or laughed, or even punished us for that effort. In a quick moment, perhaps a fraction of a second, we made a decision to protect ourselves from ever feeling that pain again. We would never again allow ourselves to be so vulnerable. We build emotional defenses. We try to build a fortress across our heart, to protect us from any cold assault. The only problem is, we create what we defend against.” 

Mmm hmm… completely. 

Marianne talks about how in her dating life, she would lose her cool in moments when she felt uncared for or neglected because it triggered her past wounds. It was in those moments when she would make this prayer:

“Dear God, please help me. This is it. Right here. There is where the sword enters my heart. This is where I blow it every time.”

Places where I’m wayyyy more likely to blow it:

  • When I feel disregarded
  • When I feel unimportant
  • When I feel blamed or shamed 
  • When I feel forced
  • When I feel uninspired & simultaneously trapped

These are some of my deepest fears that stem from some of my most achey wounds. And in relationships, when they’re triggered, I sometimes project like a madwoman until the person goes away. 

Problem is, the other person isn’t always* the problem.

The real problem is my inability to breathe for a moment with the feelings I’m most afraid of, then give ’em up to God and call on miracles… changes of perspective… a return to innocence for all involved so that clear, loving thought and communication can come back online.

*Sometimes, someone’s being totally abusive, and boundaries, bold action, getting the fuck out, and/or bravery are called for. No need to take someone else’s crap. But valid boundaries and projecting like mad are two different things.

Projections are like projectile judgements of protection. Swords of name-calling we wield against others in order to feel safer, less penetrable. 

Here’s how I’ve been moving through my projections, into a more peaceful way of relating:

I’m afraid of _______ with so-and-so.

In order to protect myself from _______, I’ve bought into the belief that _______. 

I’ve projected the judgement that so-and-so is _______. 

That projection benefits me because then I don’t have to _______.

But in the end, it actually results in _______.

Dear God, please help me. 

Please help me see my own innocence. 

Please help me see so-and-so’s innocence*. 

Please help me return to love.

Where would you have me go? What would you have me do? What would you have me say, and to whom? I’m willing to listen. 

*Again, “seeing someone’s innocence” and putting yourself at a realistically safe distance are two different things.

I write out this prompt for the people I’m feeling most agro about. Afterward, I meditate on each person as a 2-year old child, surrounded by the light of love. 

I doesn’t always give me “answers” about what to do next, but it forges more peace and possibility in my heart, and I let go of a good chunk of fear and assholery.

And I think that matters. I think that matters a lot.

To love & finding our way home together.

xo,

Rachael

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