I’m not willing to be uncomfortable for you.

i’m not willing to be uncomfortable for you.

this is the line she told me i need to find
in my mouth, rolling off my tongue
as soon as i’ve begun to compress

i’m not willing to be uncomfortable for you

strong stranger, aggressive man
quiet seducer, sneaky hands

i’m not willing to be uncomfortable for you

not for your hunger, not for your thirst
this is not about you being put first
not any longer

i’m not willing to be uncomfortable for you

close dancer, space stealer
interrupter, anger wielder

i’m not willing to be uncomfortable for you

not for your dominance
not for your game
not for your desire
to use or to claim

i’m not willing to be uncomfortable for you

not for the point you’re trying to prove
that’s stacked above the higher truth
that we are equal here
you don’t get to beat me
there will be no wins at my expense

i’m not willing to be uncomfortable for you

///

do you need these words like honey salve? if so, go back up to the top and whisper them aloud. do it twice. let them reverberate in your chest like a lioness. you can.

a few years ago when i published Secret Bad Girl, i went across the country on a DIY book tour doing day-long workshops as well. each time, i had the group read this poem, one person at a time. talk about power. talk about goosebumps. talk about reclamation.

these days, my compassion for the violator is growing bigger and bigger. we live in a culture of violence, after all. from a young age, men are conditioned to need to know everything, or else they’re threatened with physical violence – bullying at the sight of sensitivity, teasing at the sight of softness. (this isn’t to say men are the only violators. duh. but that, in fact, men often experience intense pressure and socialization to be inhumane and disconnected from their hearts. it also isn’t to say compassion = hypersocialization. uht uh.)

but it is to say: violence begets violence, and until we learn how to heal our culture – make space and encouragement for the less controllable, forceful parts of us all… our sensitivity, emotionality, sensuality, spirituality and creativity… we will continue to oppress and repress HEALTH.

tangent aside, i put my heart and soul into the Secret Bad Girl audiobook. have you gotten a copy yet? it’s just over 4 hours of story medicine and poetry permission slips, destigmatizing science and deep-diving healing prompts. if your heart wants companionship as you grow into your healthiest, most whole self, pick up a copy. she won’t disappoint.

Mara Glatzel said this:

“I love nothing more than a book narrated by the author, and Secret Bad Girl DELIVERS. The book itself is a fantastic testament to the healing power of the human spirit when light is welcomed into dark spaces where shame used to occupy. I own the book and have read it several times, so I knew I would love the content. What I didn’t know was how much more amazing it would be having Rachael read her words to me. There is something specific that takes places when stories like this one are spoken aloud. It feels like sitting next to your best friend as you finally find the courage to give voice to the places that have been voiceless. You’ll want to download this book ASAP. You won’t regret it for a second.”

And Jessica said this:
“With every new story and explanation that Rachael provided, I found myself thanking God/the Universe that I found these words when I did. I found my own story laced throughout the chapters, and for the first time in over a decade, I didn’t feel alone in my pain and past experiences, AND I felt a new hope that I’d never even known was available to me before.”

big love. so much.
grateful we’re in this together.
xox,
rachael

ps–snag the Secret Bad Girl audiobook here! xo

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