It’s possible that some of you read the title of this blog, and instantly clicked, because, HOLY CRAP, THAT IS ME.
If so, Hello, love. I know how it feels.
Everyone else, read on if you’d like to better understand your friends who “know better” but keep choosing “worse”, anyway.
Here’s what I mean by “know better”:
The way you can KNOW (either secretly or explicitly) that you need better boundaries or higher standards… To stop screwing people who see no part of your soul. To stop saying yes when your heart’s saying no. To stop excusing them. And yourself. And yet… Somehow, the same pattern of deeply soul-draining sex keeps happening.
Or on the flip side… the way you can KNOW that your partner is the most loving human ever, and even kinda hot, and that you SHOULD try to have sex with them more, because hey, you actually like sex… or at least you used to. But still. Nothing can break the habit of avoiding sex like the plague.
Or how you can KNOW it doesn’t get you the lucid connection you’re really after to keep numbing out with pot or alcohol. Or avoid going out all together. And yet… you’re still stuck in your living room binging on Netflix, bottle of red to your lips.
Or the way you can KNOW that going off on your partner with extreme anger and over-fiery jealousy is totally uncalled for and immature… but when it rises up in you, you feel like it’s beyond your control.
So what gives?
Why is it that we often experience (and even participate in) recurring violations, avoidances, safety mechanisms and patterns that we KNOW are not in service to what we truly want?
What gives (in my humble, informed opinion) is… trauma.
When we’ve experienced a violation either young enough, recurring enough, or extreme enough, and our system doesn’t expel that violation, the energy gets stored as a kind of embodied violation hangover. And we’re talkin’ a pretty gnarly kind of hangover… a magnetic hangover. One that attracts the same essence of the violation over and over again until the hangover is finally cured.
This magnetic violation hangover is more formally known as a traumatic imprint. And traumatic imprints are a bit of a doozy to unwind.
However, contrary to popular opinion, trauma is not a dead-end sentance.
With correct conditions, trauma can dispel from your body, and the mental patterns formed around the embodied imprints can also shift (with greater ease than ever before, I might add).
You can begin honoring your boundaries in a way that’s simple and second-nature.
You can engage in sexual contracts that feel like winning the lottery rather than losing the house.
You can trust yourself to choose pleasure, choose health, choose SANITY, choose… better.
And it won’t be because you forced your mind into “behaving” once and for all. It’ll be because you realigned your body to attract safety and honor over speed and terror.
Thank god, right?
For more information about how trauma works and unwinds, feel free to download this free Trauma 101 toolkit.
PS–Feeling stuck inside a trauma spell, and wanting some help out? You can read more about my one-on-one Breaking the Trauma Spell program right here. It’s my honor to serve women with the kind of love and smarts needed for their freedom to come back to life. xo