I’mma start with the punch line here:
It’s a lose-lose to force someone to choose you. Or contort yourself to be kept. Or ask someone else to be who they’re not in order to birth or sustain a relationship.
So. Much. Effort. And so much inauthenticity.
On the other hand, it’s a win-win when you celebrate the easy, authentic, overlapping synergy, while simultaneously honoring
Celebrate Synergy + Honor Differences = The Secret Love Equation
You both love talking politics and playing music, but he’s insensitive and you never feel emotionally safe? Make note, honey. SEE BOTH SIDES. Celebrate what works by leaning into the good stuff. Honor what doesn’t by leaning back from the risks. Talk politics. Play music. But like, don’t share your heart and soul… ’cause that ain’t gonna go well.
(And, um, important note: if the dissonance is big enough, you might want to consider honoring yourself by walking away completely and making space to get that good stuff from someone else. There are 7 billion+ people on this planet, including other sexy humans to talk politics and play music with.)
The dystopian version of dating is STRIVING. Pushing. Wishing. Lying to yourself or them. Desperate wanting. Thinking they’re the Only One who could Possibly Work…
If he were just a little bit more curious this could work FOR REAL.
If I was just a liiiiittle bit more attracted to her, this thing would be ON.
It’s such a great fit on paper EXCEPT they drink wine… every night… and I’m really not into that.
Look, I’m all for staying in the dance when your embodied wisdom says patience and time are needed. I also get how HARD it is to honor the truth when you have a thick history with a person or you’ve been future-tripping with intense longing. I’m no saint. I sometimes lie to myself to keep comforts, avoid loneliness, enjoy another kiss.
But here’s what happens when your heart or sexy parts, mind or soul are going unmet, and you force the shoe to fit:
You get bitter. Resentful. Hopeless. Deflated. Unattractive. Lethargic. Mean. Needy.
You DISEMPOWER your sex appeal with scarcity thinking. You buy the lie that maybe you’ve ended up with this half-hearted love because… you’re not worth the whole package.
Babe, it’s SO NOT TRUE.
Here’s what you’re gonna do instead of striving or forcing:
Get honest about what you want. What you really, really, really want. The things that make you feel physically and emotionally safe, turned on, lit up, at HOME. Get clear on the core values and experiences you need in different types of relationships. (You might need/want different things from friends, lovers, partners.)
Then ask yourself…
Where do they easily and naturally overlap with what I want, value and need?
Celebrate the fuck outta the overlaps. Build on them. Make time and space to play in the pleasure of synergy. AND – honor the places where it’s not easy or natural for them to meet and match you. Take the pressure OFF. Respect your differences.
This is a crucial version of divine trust and ultimate CONSENT.
They don’t like intellectual banter? Cool. Let them be who they are. Honor their natural way. See if it breaks the attraction or builds polarity.
They’re not into monogamy and you’re hard core ready for The One? Have REVERENCE for reality. Do whatcha gotta do to preserve the goodness between you. (Maybe friends is the right move for now, ya?) But don’t try to change each other’s honest ways.
You love the shit out of each other, but life circumstances has you in different stages or cities? Make the very most of your connection, without letting an expectation that someone should move mountains kill the magic. (Maybe in time, the mountains will move themselves.)
Honor the differences so your heart can stay open to celebrate the sweetness. Get out when you can’t stay in with an easy heart.
And when you find yourself looking back on a long list of people it “didn’t work out with” who you still love to the moon and back, you’ll know you’re doing it right.
Marrying reality. Devoting to the truth. Becoming Kindness, the ultimate Lover.
Mad love & wild faith.
PS! – Early next week I’ll be opening enrollment into a new Master Class called ConSensual Calling In. It’s six potent experiential lessons for cultivating wholehearted, honest, pleasurable relationships in your life, whether you’re single or coupled. More soon! I hope you and a friend or lover join me. It’s gunna be super fun + sorta witchy. 😉 xo
PPS – My 1-1 calendar is now full. Thank you fine humans for your interest and sharing the word! I’m really honored and grateful I get to do this work with brave humans almost every day. If you’d like to get on a waitlist for the fall, you can right here.
Last PS – If you’ve been wanting to get your hands on Secret Bad Girl, hold tight! We’re almost done with the second edition AND audiobook. Can’t wait to share the magic. xo