So many of us are afraid of our vaginas, afraid to find and experience the true expanse of our capacity for pleasure. Those of us who’ve experienced trauma in our pleasure centers? Even more so.
I sense it’s because being filled up on pleasure gives us power. And power, at some point, was used against us to create pain.
For a long time, I didn’t trust my pleasure, my power, my aliveness. I didn’t trust that choosing it was good, holy, sane.
In turn? I really wasn’t willing to get curious about how to maximize my pleasure, power or aliveness–especialllly not in my body. But it’s been a fun and wild few years of exploring all that, and so, without further adieu, I’d like to present to you the most detailed honest stuff I can offer up about what I’ve learned from getting totally honest with my sexy parts.
ONE. Science aside, your clit is whatever the fuck you want it to be.
Wherever you feel the tiniest bit more alive, seen, felt. That. That is your clit.
TWO. Your clit is not a magic “on” button. You don’t suddenly orgasm, or even feel great when you “find” it.
Sometimes, you want to cry. Sometimes, you want to deny the sensation of aliveness because that aliveness isn’t actually pleasurable, even in the epicenter of your body’s pleasure-trove. Sometimes, there’s a whole garden of weeds that need to be pulled out one by one before you can finally access the fertile soil of joy.
Sometimes, it’s simply easier to space out, or think about how much cash isn’t in your bank account, or the laundry that’s waiting to be moved to the dryer for the second day in a row, than to actually feel the tingly reality of presence.
Sometimes presence is an excruciatingly dilated sunshine after a dark shady winter. Sometimes it just seems like too much to bare.
And other times, it’s like the perfect comfort of an iced whole milk latte on a hot hot day. Like you are ready for love, for nurture, to be fed, to feel home in your body, to build yourself the most cozy of nests within which you can birth truth, cry lullabies, howl moon-lit wild animal delight.
THREE. No matter what, your touch won’t feel orgasmic–as in soul-deep, body-quivering, heart-melting, stories-unraveling, catharsis-shouting orgasmic–if you’re not touching your authentic aliveness.
FOUR. So if you can’t find your “clit”, don’t worry about it.
Find your tenderness. Find your truest emotion. Find your fear and feel it all the way past the point of pain, into the land of letting go. Watch it disappear like an airplane trail in the sky. You will evaporate into a calm quiet puddle of something real, something feeling, something that can tell you the honest simple truth. And that honesty will make way for whatever your body really truly wants and needs right now. Perhaps it’s not to be touched. Perhaps it’s to nap. To eat. To walk. To breathe a hundred big deep breaths.
FIVE. But… if you’re getting the inkling that touch, that surrendering into pleasure, that sticking around to find the wow, is actually what your soul needs, and you’re still feeling totally lost, here’s exactly what I’d do:
- Set a 20 minute timer… this is your safe container… 20 minutes of presence with your body. If that feels like too long for now, start with 5 or 10, 2 or 3.
- Light a candle or two… say a small intention, hand over heart: Dear goddesses of truth and pleasure, please help me to be totally present with my body, my sensuality, my heart, and my soul. I want to know her depth and deliciousness. I want her to feel safe to come alive. Please help me be brave in this practice of presence. Thank you.
- Coconut oil, rubbed ’til warm inside your hands.
- Start at your feet and work your way up your body.
- Lather every inch of your skin, nipples, sides of your breasts, crack of your spine, tension in your jaw, cells of your scalp.
- Find your way back down to your legs, and move inward to the V of your thighs, the base of your bottom.
- Caress yourself like a masseuse… on your hip flexors, the lips of your outer labia, in the grooves between your outer and inner labia, spending time and love on the bumps and tension.
- Feel with the tips of your fingers as if you’re touching someone else’s body–someone you love with all your heart.
- Explore as if this is completely new land, new land that you absolutely want to know.
- Invite the truth of your body’s experience to move through your throat and out of your mouth… Gentle moan? Tender lullaby? Hot short breath? Deep sigh or wild cry? You can grunt, growl, moan, feel hopeless or hopeful or hard or harrowed by what it’s like to really run free in the beauty of this longing landscape.
- If you’re feeling especially locked up around your expression, spend a full 60 seconds really focusing on your exhale… letting it be whatever feels natural… large, small, full of grumbles, a big bad ugggghhhhh.
- Reach into the opening of your vagina to gather moisture.
- If you’re feeling less-than-juicy, shame not! You are completely and fully allowed and encouraged to help yourself to some more coconut oil or other lubricant of your choice.
- Side note: I’m 28 and sometimes use coconut oil/lubricant while masturbating and having sex. I used to feel a lot of shame about this, like I was supposed to be “more juicy naturally.” Now I’m like WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER. Goal: maximum pleasure.
- Move from the opening of your vagina, up to the swell at the base of your pubic bone… This is where your urethra and clitoral glands live.
- For some women this swell is the size of a raisin, others, a prune, and others still, a sunflower seed.
- Worry not about size or shape… Just let yourself explore for sensation, aliveness, emotion of any kind.
- Where you feel emotion, you are feeling your womanhood, and this is the whole beautiful point: to wake your woman up, to let her come alive.
- Try different motions in different places… small circles, up and down, right to left, fast, slow, hard, soft… remember to really pay attention to the sensation of touch in your fingertips… this will help you stay present and let your vagina know that she’s safe to respond, because you are right there with her.
- Try one finger, then two, then three, then one again… listen for how your vagina really truly wants to be touched and met in this very moment.
- Follow the energy like a theatre game of mirroring.
- You can be with yourself in this way
You are so so very safe with yourself.
Try approaching your clitoral area from different angles: moving from your pubic area down until you feel something pronounced, then try sinking your index and middle fingers down and around your clit… Experiment with wiggling it like a switch, a nob, left and right or ’round and ’round, your fingers oiled to loosen the tension.
- Now try approaching your clitoral area from below where your vaginal opening and urethra are… Imagine yourself stroking the smallest cat’s head with your finger tips… On the bottom of your clitoral area, then the tip.
- Go hard, go light, go like jazz, go steady like a soldier… play with finding the rhythm your body wants today.
- Revisit the opening of your vagina every 20 seconds or so. Notice, is she’s warming up? Perhaps she wants your fingers inside her, the palm of your hand pressed down on the whole region of your outer woman-ness, the pot of your desire stirred from the insides.
- When your timer goes up, put your hand over your heart and take a few deep breaths.
- Notice what’s come alive.
- This is your truth.
- This is your passion.
- This is the part of your womanness that wants and needs your attention today.
- This is good… whatever arises is so so good.
- This is what it’s all about… being with yourself, no matter what shows up.
Growing a relationship of safety and seeing, feeling and meeting.
When you really relate with your clit, you move from victim or observer, to advocate and queen.
You can move into the woman who knows what she really, truly desires, and you can develop enough compassion and listening to begin giving yourself those things.
And if you have any doubt that the things your soul’s hungry for are good, reasonable, okay, allowed, or helpful, I’m here to ask you what faking or denying your pleasure does for the blossoming of humanity or your very own heart?
What distancing yourself from the truth of your longing does for the longing of our human family? To feel true togetherness? To feel joy? To feel hope and pleasure and love and aliveness?
You are allowed to feel.
We actually need your courage to touch the truth.
It’s this courage that creates resilience, no matter what we encounter.
And it’s this resilience that proves that pleasure is far more possible than we’ve learned how to readily access as a people.
The man I’m dating has this theory that when you’re in a funk, you can’t be dragged from funk to normal. You have to skip over normal and go straight for pleasure. Go straight for the big joy. And after that, after you let yourself be changed from cold to hot, you can normalize again, let the boil cool, settle into stillness.
May we get practiced at taking the leap, letting our moods be changed, finding the courage to feel anything at all, and then finding the delight of our true nature that, with space to unravel from the lies and pressure, most organically points toward pleasure.
I am so so so honored that we’re all in this practice together. I love you each like sisters, like mothers, like daughters, like part of my very own tender hopeful heart.
In clits I trust!
Big wild love,
PS–Want more vagina encouragement? Try this video poem: SPEAK, VAGINA. Because I love you. And your vagina.