The first time I pushed Brigit, my life changed in a moment.
Heat in my heart, my belly, my hands.
Fierce devastation in my eyes.
Brigit’s my trauma resolution practitioner and teacher, and we were just a few sessions into working together. I was learning to reclaim my no. I was practicing embodying my instinctual power. I was coordinating my truth with my actions.
It was very new territory.
Why does it have to come to this? I wondered, so sad that my safety wasn’t other people’s priority. So unfamiliar with the art of sovereign strength.
Am I really allowed to assert my no like this?
I feel so incredibly ashamed that this is so hard for me.
Is she going to hate me?
I couldn’t look her in the eyes as I pushed her body against the wall. I could barely speak my, “back off”. I was apologetic almost. So polite.
“Please don’t touch me”, I whispered, my push speaking for me.
She had me try again. The second time around I managed to get out a firm, “get the fuck off of me.”
When the art of aligning our voice, body and truth is lost on us, the reclamation can be incredibly wobbly… and wonderfully transformative.
In intimacy, most of us want to know two big things: that we can safely and powerfully embody our true preferences, and that we can still belong no matter what they are.When we have histories of being disregarded, over-ridden, or shamed for our honest no’s (or yeses), we can cultivate habits of acquiescing to others’ preferences, fighting with feral fangs to defend our own, or operating in a hyper-expression of openness that’s beyond our healthy capacity.
Shut down, shut ’em up or sprint toward insincere promiscuity.
Dissociate, brawl, or over-give.
This week, in my free 8-part video series on Becoming a Grown Goddess, I’ve created a way for you and your bestie to practice saying and embodying honest no’s, and still belong deeply to each other.
…things worth practicing on the regular, so that when you’re in a tricky spot, you’ll have the muscle memory of knowing how to honor your no, with the healthy expectation that others respect and love you for it.
HOW TO PLAY THE BOUNDARIES & BELONGING GAME:
1. Forward this post to your bestie. Someone who always wants the best for you, loves seeing you in your power, would be psyched to practice empowered boundaries together.
2. Agree to watch the video by a certain date and set up a time to try the exercise together.
3. Practice regularly! Once a week, whenever you chat on the phone, anytime you feel the itch.
4. Put a timer in your phone for a check-in one month from now. Answer these questions: What do you notice is different for you around your comfort with saying no? What’s shifting in your life and relationships? What’s different with your bestie now that you’ve established this practice? Who else could you practice with?
Together is how we get hurt, and together is how we heal. This is one to practice… together.
Head right here to watch the video.
You may feel the call to practice this in the support of a sisterhood facilitated by me. We have just a handful of spots still open in the Grown Goddess Academy, and applications close on July 25th or as soon as the program’s full. If you’ve been thinking about applying, now’s the time. Head right here to get that app in.
Here’s what N.B. from the last round of the Academy had to say about reclaiming right relationship to healthy boundaries:
“What I realized through the program was that I had spent a lot of years not honoring my “no’s” and feeling a deep shame because of it. I didn’t realize how much of an impact that was still having on self-image and freedom to be me. I also didn’t allow myself to honor and hold space for the past trauma of feeling stuck in situations and relationships that were not self-honoring, because I was so determined to “get out of victim” that I was shaming myself for having been a victim in the first place, and never felt safe enough to ride the waves and release it from my body.
I can’t believe it was just a couple of months, because I feel SO transformed through the Grown Goddess program and retreat. I’ve reclaimed my power and I feel brave enough to honor my no’s, and because of that my inner child is coming back to play and my Grown Goddess is here to keep her safe.”
The Academy starts August 1st. 10 LIVE Lessons, 10 Group Coaching Calls, and a 3-day In-Person Workshop! Click right here to apply.
Sending you tons of love.
PS – This Thursday I’ll be doing a Facebook Live at 5:30pm PST / 8:30pm EST, answering questions about the Becoming a Grown Goddess video series. Been watching the videos and have a new question emerging? About sex, sensuality, communication, triggers, love? Hit reply and spill the beans. All questions welcome, and I’ll answer as many as possible on Thursday. Thanks so much! <3